Product Review: False nails

False body parts: generally something one avoids outside medical necessity.

However, the exception is acrylic nails, salon or DIY, which I've noticed have become way more popular for everyday wear by normal women (as opposed to porn stars and drag queens) during the last ten years.

Back when I was in my 20's, false nails seemed to be pretty much restricted to special occasions for most people, and I didn't see too many women in the street wearing them as part of daily life.

Manicure

I remember the main DIY option being solid colour stick-ons, but a recent trip to Boots revealed millions of variations - some are tips which are meant to be used with brush-on acrylic gels, and some are full-cover stick-ons, which come with complex designs or french-manicure style finishing.

Since my nails are now, and always have been, pretty crap (food supplements, creams, lotions and potions - tried 'em all, it's just the way I'm made) I figured I'd give it a go.

I want to find out whether, like high heels, these items are an impediment rather than a positive addition, as well as check out how long they last and how easy they are to apply, and remove.

So on test is: Broadway Nails Natural Square Full Cover (BNK01), £6.99 from Boots.

Application

There are two sets, a total of 48 nails to cater for variations in size and shape, so I had enough to choose nails that fitted exactly, though to fit my (very flat) index nail I had to do a lot of filing and trimming on one of the larger sized nails.

The nails are numbered, which makes picking out the matching size for both hands pretty simple.

I wiped my own nails with nail-polish remover to get rid of any grease and filed them as short as possible, and then applied the acrylics according to the pack instructions - glue on real nail, glue on falsie, align carefully and press together.

The glue that came with them (basically pink superglue, cyanoacrylate adhesive) was quite thick, and I would have preferred something easier to get out the tube in large enough amounts, but I suppose the manufacturers think that would be more likely to cause spillage.

I bought the longest size I could find, because I don't see the point in short false nails at all, but I did have to trim the index and thumb nails by about one third otherwise I wouldn't be able to type, and all of them needed a bit of filing to make the edges look more realistic.

First Day

The initial oddness wore off quite fast, the only potentially hazardous things I've encountered being opening my fridge (it hasn't got a handle) and opening cans. I suppose if I stay off the chilled Strongbow Super, I'll be fine... (I'm well classy, me)

They're quite fun to file and play about with, I don't feel too much like a drag queen, and aside from minor concerns - like "this was how the Borg started out - an extension here, a nip-and-tuck there, and then suddenly it was 'let's assimilate the entire universe!'" I feel quite comfortable with the whole concept.

I slept in them without accidentally removing any flesh, and by the second day two of the nails had begun to lift away at the inner edges, which is probably due to me being rougher with them than a more experienced wearer would be; I glued them back down with some regular runny superglue, which had better capillary action than the glue provided.

"Jewels Not Tools"

Luckily I'm not one of those poor souls with sensitive skin, and I really enjoyed picking off the excess superglue from my cuticles - it may be a bit harsh for some people though, so I'm not sure how they'd repair this kind of problem.

It's almost certainly not recommended if you have any medical conditions that affect your skin, and just to state the obvious, superglue can be dangerous, it bonds skin in seconds, so always handle it with care.

I did a bit of surfing to research the subject and found one fascinating site about salon acrylics, with the expression "jewels not tools" which I shall try to bear in mind - they are really great for picking your nose though, esp. the long pinkie nail, so I'll have to be careful not to accidentally lobotomise myself (thanks for that idea, Pat).

My dog loves the new upgraded Mummy Hands, he keeps coming over for a thorough back scratch, and practically purrs with pleasure. Men.

Impressions

They look striking: no-one's natural nails are that perfect, and the uniform glowy white is attractive, but a trifle odd.

I actually struck up a conversation on the tube yesterday when the chap sitting next to me asked me if they were real or not, which does indicate that people notice them - I also saw a few women checking them out as I was travelling about today, and it's hard to be certain, but I think most were trying to suss out if they were falsies.

One woman wearing very long nails herself (which were either perfect and natural, or very professional fakes) gave me rather a sniffy look - I suspect because they don't look like expensive salon gel nails.

My hands feel very elegant, which is unusual because I don't normally think too much about what impression my hands convey - they're there for doing things, and not as a decorative item - and because of that, it's possible I'm somehow moving and acting in ways that make them more prominent.

Attention

I can feel them, and I'm conscious of them, all the time - it's a bit like when I had my front teeth fixed and lisped for 3 days. I can't imagine how disorientating it must be to be one of these people who has lots of cosmetic surgery, through choice or necessity - it must be weird to have a body or face that changes dimensions significantly within 24 hours.

They've made me more aware of how much we take our body size and shape for granted, and how much data our brains must process just to maneouvre us through space each day.

It's also odd to have a previously normal body part that suddenly becomes a magnet for my own, and other people's, attention, and it's made me recognise first-hand how much the level of cosmetic grooming we women go in for, is directly related to our own comfort-zones regarding how much attention we can handle.

Decorating

I wear eyeliner every day, for example, and I never understood women telling me they "didn't have the time" to do anything like that, because it hardly takes ten minutes - but I do now get that if you're not used to decorating a part of yourself, it can actually feel tiring to be suddenly more conscious of your appearance.

Of course there have been acres of serious commentaries written on this topic, most of which I've read, but to experience it directly was a revelation because I get the impression most authors have found their own comfort level and stuck to it, and are writing to explain (and perhaps, defend) their own choices, rather than explore other options.

Luckily I'm confident/vain/mad/under the thumb of the patriarchy/secure in my femininity (yawn, delete according to your own preferences) - so, I can handle it!

Practicalities

I've managed to put on my makeup without removing an eye, and the washing up and normal chores like that don't present a major challenge. I've spent years carefully designing a lifestyle where household chores are minimised anyway, and that's paying off big style now.

Just typing this, I'm picking up WAY more typos, and I'm not sure if that's due to my fingers basically growing half-an-inch in length overnight or because I'm more conscious of my hands and concentrating too hard - to type accurately I normally kind of switch off from what my paws are doing and let them get on with it, and that's not happening any more.

Scratching is fun; sitting clicking them - 1... 2... 3... 4... - on the desk while I'm on the phone to someone boring, is priceless.

Plastic Fantastic

I found a nice piece of dried fruit from breakfast hidden under one of my nails earlier, and I can see the point that they may not be the most hygienic choice for people in jobs where that matters - the eerie white colour does make them look misleadingly clean all the time.

Walking my dog was potentially going to be a bit dodgy - I chickened out of potential horrors there and wore disposable gloves to pick up after him. I feel I need more practice before I dispense with those.

Tomorrow* is day 3, and I have a full day of stuff scheduled (including something I'm attending with Pat, which one of us will be describing for your reading pleasure on Sunday) so I look forward to throwing some new challenges at the cyborg nails...

But the verdict so far is I like them, and at £3.50/week they may become part of my regular grooming routine. I'll do an update when I remove them, so stay tuned!

(* I'm normally between 4 & 8 hours behind the rest of the UK, so tomorrow for me, at 4am on 14th April, is - 14th April. AKA, Saturday. I get on my own case about this all the time, so please don't feel you have to - Nova)