Yes, for only £5.99 you can halt all those tedious death dreams that haunt your inbox and the newage parts of the net - by buying the Mayans a NEW calendar!
Let's buy the Mayans a new calendar! Let's put a stop to everyone's hopes that normal life with its tedium and uncertainty is going to be nicely sorted out in 2012, and plunge them back into an existential pit of cynicism and despair where they belong!
Right now, only £5.99 will get you a basic Justin Timberlake calendar from Waterstone's, thus guaranteeing the manifest reality 365 more days of business-as-usual, with no "get out of jail free" card where angels or Atlanteans from Zenussi save your scummy sinning arse from taking responsibility, and paying those catalogue bills.
The Mayans.
Maya.
Somewhere with no overpasses, and probably no roofs by now
either, and therefore intrinsically more spiritual than
my own comfy middle-class home,
South America,
The Earth.
"You know when Spirit calls, you will not be found wanting."
Thank you for listening to this message.
In 2012 the Mayan's calendar RUNS OUT, and in one of the most widely reported stationery glitches in human history this is believed to herald - well, all kinds of things really, from yer basic apocalypse with the dirty great scorpions, to a new era of love, light and peace.
I put it down to a bored clerk on a Friday afternoon wanting to jack in the calculations for the day, something which anyone who's been a recipient of benefits from the DSS or family tax credits will know can have truly life-altering consequences.
However, the Mayans are credited with profound wisdom beyond our own (mainly due to the fact we wiped a lot of them out and feel guilty) and so this one event is making ripples right across the actually small community of people who surf for crap on the net.
Meanwhile, people hung up on their own importance are rushing round like headless chickens offering guidance and teaching of what to do during this important era in world history - and if you've seen or read Eco's Name of the Rose, you'll know what a joke that is!
Let's buy the Mayans a new calendar! Let's put a stop to everyone's hopes that normal life with its tedium and uncertainty is going to be nicely sorted out in 2012, and plunge them back into an existential pit of cynicism and despair where they belong!
Right now, only £5.99 will get you a basic Justin Timberlake calendar from Waterstone's, thus guaranteeing the manifest reality 365 more days of business-as-usual, with no "get out of jail free" card where angels or Atlanteans from Zenussi save your scummy sinning arse from taking responsibility, and paying those catalogue bills.
And - in a one-time only offer - because we still have 5 YEARS to get this right! - I am offering you the chance to almost literally play God - put in an advance order NOW at WHSmith, Waterstone's, Borders or your local corner shop for the first 2013 calendar available, then post it off by first class post to:
The Mayans.
Maya.
Somewhere with no overpasses, and probably no roofs by now
either, and therefore intrinsically more spiritual than
my own comfy middle-class home,
South America,
The Earth.
"You know when Spirit calls, you will not be found wanting."
Thank you for listening to this message.
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